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(TO BE COMPLETED)
INT: DUNGEON
DR. STAUF leers into the camera. His face fills the screen,
distorted as in a fish-eye lens or a mirror.
DR. STAUF
You pathetic piece of worm-food! You thought that you could
get away with such insolence! The great Torquemada is the
butt of no man's joke! Oh, yes! You will squirm like an eel
before we're though with you!
Camera pulls back to reveal a dark torture chamber. A PRISONER
is strapped to a rack. His face is covered with sweat as he
squirms to be free.
PRISONER
I'm telling you, there's been a big mistake!
TORQUEMADA appears at the side of the rack and smiles cruelly.
TORQUEMADA
A big mistake. Oh, really?
DR. STAUF
A mistake? That's terrible!
PRISONER
I was just joking around.
TORQUEMADA
Just a joke?
PRISONER
Me and a couple of friends were sitting at the ristorante,
drinking some wine, when one of them says, "Antonio,
why don't you do your Grand Inquisitor bit. It's so funny."
So, I pretended to be you...Made a couple of jokes, you know?
Until your spy here (nods angrily at STAUF) stepped in with
his thugs and hauled me away.
TORQUEMADA
You were making jokes? About me?
PRISONER
Very tasteful jokes.
DR. STAUF
Shall I start with the Flaying Blades of Death or the Bowel
Bludgeons?
TORQUEMADA
Hmmm...Nutcracker.
Weil hands Torquemada a nutcracker.
The Prisoner screams in terror.
The Grand Inquisitor cracks a nut and eats it.
TORQUEMADA
So...What kind of jokes did you make about me?
PRISONER
Harmless jokes. That's all. I'm so sorry. Please forgive
me.
DR. STAUF
Perhaps we should begin with the Screws of Agony.
PRISONER
Oh god!
TORQUEMADA
Hmmm...No. Something different.
DR. STAUF
The Twisted Prongs? The Claw of Cruelty? The Fist of Hate?
TORQUEMADA
No. No.
DR. STAUF
How about the Happy Gopher?
TORQUEMADA
The Happy Gopher? Hmmm...
DR. STAUF
Maybe we should let our friend decide?
TORQUEMADA.
Yes. Which shall it be? The Screws of Agony? The Twisted
Prongs? The Fist of Agony? Or The Happy Gopher?
Weil holds up a happy-faced, harmless-looking gopher puppet.
PRISONER
Give me the Happy Gopher! I'll take the Happy Gopher!
Weil pulls on the gopher head. It's really just a cover-like
a golf club sock-for a horrendous, hideous torture implement.
The Prisoner goes berserk.
PRISONER
That's not fair! It didn't sound that bad!
TORQUEMADA
It's a joke. Don't you get it? The name is a joke.
STAUF and TORQUEMADA have a good laugh.
PRISONER
This isn't funny!
STAUF and TORQUEMADA exchange frowns.
TORQUEMADA
Isnt' funny, eh? Well...You tell us one of your little jokes
and if it makes us laugh, we'll set you free.
PRISONER
You'll set me free?
TORQUEMADA
Yes.
The PRISONER thinks hard, then tries to smile nonchalantly.
PRISONER
Somebody asked the Grand Inquisitor: "Inquisitor? Why
did the chicken cross the road?" And the Grand Inquisitor
replied: "I don't know. But give me ten minutes with
that chicken and I'll make him talk.
The PRISONER bursts out laughing, hoping that his laughter
will make the others laugh. They stare at him with stony expressions.
TORQUEMADA
Let's begin.
The PRISONER screams as they huddle in around him.
FADE:
LATER:
TORQUEMADA and STAUF are covered with the dead Prisoner's
blood. STAUF starts to giggle.
DR. STAUF
"Give me ten minutes with that chicken and I'll make
him talk."
TORQUEMADA starts to chuckle. Then they both burst into laughter.
END
(TO BE COMPLETED)
(TO BE COMPLETED)
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